Sunday, October 10, 2010

Big Sigh

Right now I just need to let out a big sigh... I am one of those people who hold things in. It is a bad habit of mine, and I am slowly starting to break it. This is one of those days I boil over a little bit.

Here are the things I want to get off my chest:

1. I am 22, with no children(we are trying), and I am a minority.. In the military community it is known that many people get married young and immediately start having babies.. well we live in what many people call a "fish bowl" because the base is so small and your always running into someone you know. The pregnancy rate here is sky high, so everywhere you go there are pregnant women. Yes, it is true I am jealous.. I should be pregnant right now, I should have a growing belly and a baby on the way, but I don't I was that person that miscarried, the girl whose heart was shattered into a million little pieces, and she is still trying to pick up the pieces. Anyway back to my point... Why should I feel like I am less of a person because we don't have any children yet, and I do. Its a crappy feeling, and I wish it would go away.

2. Yearly Deployments...this is just a rant, I can't stand being forward deployed.. I hate spending 5 months a year(if that) with my husband. I can't wait till we leave here

3. Drama, Drama, Drama....Take it to your momma. I don't want to be in the middle of your highschool crap. What is the point? Your only making yourself look bad.

4. Am I less of a person than you?... Don't you hate this feeling? Yes my husband and I are what many would consider young, but who cares. Yes, I dropped out of college, but I am back in school and on my way to earning my degree. Yes, my husband is a lower rank, does he rank make us who we are? I guess it does.. but why? Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends or acquantences who are officer wives and they are great people, so why must all the others judge me? You don't know anything about me, you don't know what in my life has brought me here today... basically, don't judge me unless you truley know me.. then if you don't like me we can go our seperate ways.

5. Knowing the next chapter in our lives is coming, but is yet still so far away.. JC isn't re-enlisting, so basically this is it for us. No more Navy, and a part of me jumps for joy. I know this is the path for us, and this will make JC so much happier. We know where we will go after this, we know what we want, yet we can't touch it yet. I just want to reach out and grasp it and pull it closer to us. I want to start planning and it not seem so far away. By the way, we will move to New York, where JC grew up and build a house on a piece of land his parents own. I saw some pictures of it today and my heart just melted.

6. Becoming a 'civilian' again.. moving onto the next chapter isn't without fear, and my fear is that I won't know what to do with myself. This coming Christmas will be my first time visiting the town I will call 'home' in a couple years, and I am nervous, not that i won't like it, but that I won't know anyone. Being a part of the military community has given me the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people, and it was 'easy' to meet people. Now I don't know what I will do, and that scares me. I like being involved in the community, and I will have to hunt down ways to be involved. It is part of the unknown that has be fear becoming a civilian again.

I feel a little better now. A little I guess. Honestly, I think it boils down to I don't want to live here anymore.. we have about 22ish months yet.. it seems never ending. 

I am ready for my husband to be home, that will make things better.

Okay I'm done :)


  1. My husband and I are both in our second marriages. When we married, he was an over-the-road truck driver based in our town. He had been based out of Atlanta. My worse fear was that he would get transferred back and we would have to move.

    We retired in 2004 and moved to southeast Alabama. I found that as long as hubby was with me, I could handle anything.

  2. Hi! I just came upon your blog. Just wanted to say I understand how you're feeling, as I had a miscarriage last year, exactly one week before my 24th birthday. It is one of the worst feelings ever, and it hurts. For a long time, but it does get better :). Everything happens for a reason.

  3. I just wanted to send you a hug! I'm so sorry for your loss..I can't imagine that feeling. I hope that you guys get lucky with a little miracle soon. You're right, everyone and their mom is pregnant/has kids already and it's so much more prominent in military communities. I think it's cause we go so long without our s/o's..when they get back it's GET BUSY!! lol. But I also know you're not alone..and it doesn't make you any less of a woman! It just means you have other things to get accomplished first. And..although it may seems like it's taking a long time because people are having kids younger and younger, you're still young..with a whole life of blessings ahead.
    And..maybe once your hubby gets out and they actually let you have him for a while, the time will come! lol. =) You'll do great with everything cause you're a strong girl.

  4. Hi there! I am a new follower to your blog, I found you through Kelly(Blue Frog Legs) Blog Frog page. I truly enjoyed reading your blog. I am very sorry for your loss, I have been in the same situation. It does get easier. You have a wonderful style of writing and seem wise well beyond your years. I can understand your fear at becoming a "civilian", I grew up in the Air Force and when that life morphed into one with no military it was strange. Change is scary, even change we are happy about. I hope you have a wonderful week, really looking forward to future posts!

    Chasing Serenity